People seem to like stories about me humiliating myself, so here is this one again:
Once ate some funky mexican and had the ability to fart on command for like two days. My sister was in the kitchen and I thought it would be funny to run in and do one of those “Jump and click heels” maneuvers, but spice up the gumbo by letting a fart go at the moment of clicking.
Well, the up-jump went well, the heel clicking succeeded, and then I just straight up shit my pants. The shock of crapping myself sort of threw off my mojo and I fell without catching myself properly.
This resulted in me hitting my head on the counter and three stitches. Awkward scar to explain to people.
tl;dr I shit myself so hard I had to get stitches.
Was shopping with my sister. She had a skirt and a thong on. She though she could sneak one out….. ended up dripping poop throughout the department store.
I reiterate, never trust a fart.
My dad was driving when he felt a fart coming on. He wanted it to ring through the car to have a good laugh about the the loudness, because he was sure it was gonna be a loud one I guess. So he turned down the radio, put himself in a good position, gave a little push, and shat his whole pants. Emarrased, hee turned the car around and went home to change pants and underwear.
Now here’s the strange part: He was the only one in the car.
Crohn’s Disease.
My best friend once sharted in my pajama bottoms which I had given to her during a sleep over. I can’t remember what it was that I said but she laughed her ass off, suddenly got all quiet and went: “Im so sorry but I just shat in your pants”.
EDIT: We were 19 when this happened.
I will make this quicker that I do when I tell it out loud.
Came to work. Felt fine. 11am I start to feel a little queasy. 12 I realize I need to go home. On ride home I fart. Not a fart. Get home and strip my khakis/boxers off and toss in dumpster. Spend all day laying outside bathroom and getting up every 30 minutes or so. Around 10pm I muster up the strength to go get soup and waters. Realize my wallet is in my khakis. Dumpster dive at 10pm sick as a dog and sift through my shit khakis.
Bad day.
I was walking in a parking lot with a friend who was trailing a little bit behind me, she then grabbed my shoulders and screamed in my ear. I was apparently so scared I shit my pants. She never lets me forget that she literally scared the shit out of me.
I was on tower guard in Afghanistan. I fucked up by trusting a fart just made liquid goodness in my pants. Luckily I had been sick all week and had tp with me. I got my friend in the tower to watch the stairs while I wiped. The second I broke the seal and took off my underwear he started gagging. My sergeant comes up asking why we called him and I just straight up said “I shit my pants Sgt”. Word spread fast and by the time my shift was over the whole base had found out.
When I was 8 I went grocery shopping with my mom at parthmark. I came down with a feeling in my butt but I clenched. Soon I knew that I couldn’t hold it for much longer and I begged my mom to purchase her things and leave. She promised me it was gonna be really quick she just needed to pick up a couple more things. Quick became like 15 minutes and I was on the verge of crying. My asshole was growing weak.
We finally left and on the journey home, 2 blocks before reaching home, I couldn’t hold it anymore and I just shit myself was crossing the street. I felt the warmth in my underwear. It was so relieving but shameful at the same time.
When I got home I cleaned myself up and then I heard my mom laughing about it with my sisters in the living room.
I’ve been dying to tell this story but my mom would kill me if I told anyone irl. It wasn’t me, but her.
We were on our way back from the courthouse one day and stop at the Subway on the corner there, before catch the metro train back to our cars. After we ate, we did our business in the restrooms and headed to the train station. We picked it up where it dumps into the city and were riding it all the way back to the end. It’s about a 30-45 minute ride with all the stops. Anyway, about five minutes in, my mom is complaining about her stomach being upset. It grows worse the further we go, to the point where I’m googling the nearest bathrooms from each stop. Finally, about 3/4s of the way, she just can’t hold it any longer. Fortunately there’s only like two other people in the train car when she let’s loose, and it’s awfully quiet of a poop. Immediately, the smell washes over me to the point where I nearly gag. Being the good son I am, I announce loudly, for the others to hear, “WOOOOOOO BOY THAT REEKS. I just busted serious ass, sorry mom.”
We finish the ride and as we get off, I take my button down shirt off and offer it to her to tie around her waist in an effort to hide the massive shit stain on her white pants. We get into he parking garage and back to our cars. Fortunately, I didn’t have a washer/dryer at my house and had just done laundry, so I give her a pair of my shorts and she ducks behind my open door and does her best to clean off, leaving behind a big ole mess.
Best part? I used that metro a few weeks later, they’d installed port a pots on every floor. Checkmate, MTA.
Ninja edit: the reason I mentioned subway was because she was adamant she’d gotten food poisoning. Called the health department and that subway was eventually shut down for violating codes or some shit.
I was doing a project for school during my junior year with a glass of apple juice. Finished the apple juice then poured another glass. After about 4 glasses of apple juice my stomach started to rumble. I just thought I was hungry, no big deal. Went to let out a fart, opened the flood gates, liquid fire spills out my b-hole. Spent the next 3 hours unleashing volcanic fury into my toilet like I was Mount Vesuvius or something. Never trust a fart.
I’m a father, and husband, gamer nerd and workaholic that doesn’t drink or party… I don’t get out very often, but it was the premiere week of Prometheus, and as a die hard fan of both the franchise and sci-fi genre, I knew this was worth burning a vacation day for.
I paid for a day of daycare at my daughter’s preschool, and after dropping her off, the wife and I made our way to the local mall. Since the ticket booth wouldn’t open for some time, we decided to wander the mall window shopping…
We have about 15 minutes before the booth opens, and decided to stop in the dollar store to find something for our 4 year old to play with…while the wife is stopping to look at something, I felt the urge to let something loose, and once I felt “it” start to run down the inner depths of my cheekius maximus, I clenched like I had never clenched before, and stopped the “flow”… “LUCKY ME” I thought, because there’s no fucking way, after all the arrangements I had made, the ONE day I get for my enjoyment will NOT be ruined.
I immediately said to my wife “I have to pee really bad now”.
“But you just went like 10 minutes ago, let me check out here and we’ll both go before the movie starts”
(in whisper yell)”I HAVE TO GO NOW”
“Ok, well just meet me at the theater”
After my (horribly) well planned diversion, I made my way (waddling) into the nearest mall department store (still clenching), and found the rest room…
I finished exercising the demons that had tried to ruin my day, I looked down to assess the damage to my undergarment…the situation was not pretty, but I did keep the mess contained to within the drawers.
I’ll skip you the awful details, but taking my shoes off to remove the defiled boxer-briefs was not an option, and that is when I learned that ripping off shitty boxers is not as easy as you might expect, but nevertheless 5 minutes later, I was clean, boxers in the garbage, and it was time to watch the movie, commando style, like a boss.
TL;DR – Prometheus was not the shittiest thing I saw that day.
My friend was acting like a drunk asshole at a party. And I mean he was wasted. So as a prank, I shit in his pants so we could all humiliate him for shitting his own pants when he woke up the next day.
(His pants were on the floor next to the bed, I didn’t put my butt to his butt and shit on it, or shit in my hands and stuff it in his pants. I just squatted over his pants and shit on the inside and stomped it out like there was a tiny fire.)
I was pretty gassy that day and I knew I had to crap. I thought I could hold it in long enough to make it home from work (I was in the field. No bathroom). I was almost done and only 20-30 minutes from home. I figured I could let off some pressure and slip a few farts out. Usually doing this and/or pissing on the side of the road is a world of difference. Unfortunately I had no coverage to take a leak on this road and my farts were not trustworthy. I sharted and had to ride home having slightly crapped my pants.
To make matters worse when I got home (I had just bought the house) my overly friendly neighbor wanted to discuss at length the trash pickup schedule and other helpful neighborhood advice. I was deadlocked in this conversation for 10 minutes while still having to take a massive crap.
I finally got inside and had forgotten my dad was there to help us paint. Awkwardness. I ran to the bathroom to unleash the mud beast that had been growling at the gates for the past hour. What I found was total relief and euphoria. For 30 seconds. Then panic. I had to call my wife and have her bring clothes there for me to change into. We had just bought the house and hadn’t moved in yet. We wanted to paint first, which btw I highly recommend anyone do if they have the opportunity.
I showered and changed my clothes in 5 or so minutes. I was just in time to be 15 minutes late for my wife’s uncles’ (they’re twins that’s where the apostrophe belongs) birthday dinner.
As a child and teen I would eat bubble gum like it was candy; Chew for a few seconds and swallow. We’ve all heard the myth of how bubble gum stays in your stomach for seven years. Well I can attest that that is a LIE. So, here I was, a preteen/teenager, laying on the couch when I have to fart. No biggie. I let it go and something feels yucky in my underwear, so I rush to the bathroom because I think I pooped myself. I pull down my pants to find BRIGHT PINK GUM. I sharted undigested bubble gum, you guys.
Wow I don’t know why I’m so excited to tell this, but it’s finally my chance!
So the story begins when I was about 13 years old. I went to the movies with my mom and brother and sister to see Planet 51. Whenever I go to the movies, I usually drink a lot of pop, and put the white cheddar seasoning on my popcorn. The seasoning always upsets my stomach, but I love it so much so I ate it anyways.
So the movie ends, and I tell my mom to wait a few minutes so I can take a shit. Enter the washroom, and nothing comes out, stomach isn’t hurting at all, so we leave the theater. As soon as I step outside, my stomach starts hurting a lot, the hurt you get a few minutes before an intense shit. I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time, so I didn’t ask if they could wait while I empty my bowels. Reluctantly, I get into the car and we pull onto the highway. My stomach is hurting so much by then what I’m sweating and breathing a lot.
Deciding I didn’t want to have an accident, I ask my mom if she can stop somewhere, and she says ‘I’ll stop if I can find somewhere.’ Within a minute, I couldn’t hold it any longer. My stomach was aching with pain and I was yelling ‘IT FEELS LIKE I’M HAVING A BABY!!!’ Finally, I feel its gonna come out, and so I lift my ass off the car seat and let it flow.
It was a smelly ride home, and because I didn’t want to smother my legs with even more shit, I had to hold myself off the seat with the armrests all the way home.
Five years later I still can’t live it down.
Well. Here it goes.
It was my 6 month anniversary, Friday night with my boyfriend. We go out to a nice dinner and do a few rounds of putt putting. Everything is fine. Go back to his house and I start feeling nauseous. I puked a few times. It started out not so bad but then it got more and more violent. Then the diahreah happened. Which is a lovely thing to have happen at your boyfriends house. He was real sweet about it. But since I was wearing a dress, I asked to borrow a pair of his sweat pants since I was obviously sick and getting really cold. Anyways, it happened. I started both having epic diahreah and vomiting simultaneously. And normally I was able to make it to the toilet and grab a trash can (eventually I never left, but at this point I was switching from laying on the floor and moving when I had to. ) I feel the vomiting coming. I didn’t make it to the toilet. And I literally shit my boyfriends pants.
